Step By Step Guide to Finding Your Biological Families! And, MY STORY as well!

Guide To Finding Your Birth Parents::

"No one knows what it's like to be adopted, to not know who you are or where you came from It's almost like we just exist and nothing else...we all just exist without reason. It's the 'NOT KNOWING' that hurts the most!"-Paige

          Be prepared:  There will be many battles, ups and downs, trials and tribulations to face while searching AND finding your birth parents.  If you're an adopted child (of any age, even into adulthood) who's looking to begin your search for your birth parents, I'm going to give you a step-by-step guide, aka: "How To" Guide, in finding them.   This information isn't always put out there for you.  It took me years of digging, research, and torment to find out all of this information, years of phone calls to this one, that one, another one, then back to the previous one, etc..., before ever getting anywhere.  But, if I can save you or someone you know the time and aggravation of all of that, I want to do so. Things, I understand, are much different in the new age of computer science and technology.  Still, you may not know where to start, especially Step One. NO ONE thinks of "Step One"!

Step One:

SEEK COUNSELING Before You Do ANYTHING!!

This is extremely important regardless of your age, from a young child to an adult!!!

          The  first thing you, as the adopted child (no matter how young or old you are!) need to do before anything else is to see a Licensed Counselor.  I know.  It sounds crazy, right?  If you don't, I'm afraid you'll be sorry.  I wish I had done so every single day that I draw a breath. I can't imagine why I didn't go.  I've been to Counseling before so, why not before reaching out to my birth family and making such a huge decision in my life?!  I regret it now but maybe I can help others make a wiser decision than I did.  It's important.  It's also important to find a Licensed Counselor that you're comfortable with, one that you can relate to and one that you feel will understand you the most.  He/she will be able to help you make a timeline for your goal of finding your birth families.  I think the biggest reason I didn't seek counseling was because I thought things were going to be "okay" with everyone involved and refused to think any differently.  How could things not be okay? They would want this as much as me, right?! Let's go on...

          As adopted beings, in our minds we think only the best of our biological families.  We watch television shows that put images and scenarios in our minds of how "reuniting with your biological families should be".  We want that so much!   

We go through life telling ourselves that our birth parents didn't have a choice but to give us away, making excuses for them in order to self-soothe.  We do this for them although we don't know them nor their circumstances.  We tend to make them out to be our "saviors", as if they will come into our lives one day and rescue us from the lives we're living without them.  We have a need for them, a hole or, maybe I should say "a gap, in our hearts" where their love for us is needed so desperately, even though we may have been loved by our adopted families but,  especially if we haven't!  

We have upheld our birth families in our own minds and we await the day we meet them so that they can tell us how much they've missed us, love us, and need us in their lives, what a mistake it was to let us go, that they had to because they loved us so much.  We'll tell ourselves anything to make it sound better than what it seemed because, in most cases and like mine, the adopted parents aren't told what happened before your adoption while in other foster homes or orphanages, and especially not what has happened with our birth families.

Therefore, the adopted child has no idea and never will have any ideas as to what happened to get them where they are unless they search for their birth parents.

Something To Remember:  THERE WAS A REASON YOU WERE PLACED FOR ADOPTION! Keep this in mind during your search!

          Just remember:  There's a REASON you were placed for adoption.  No matter what we tell ourselves, something went wrong with someone, somewhere, for some reason.  Something made a Superior Court Judge make the decision to no longer allow our parents to be parents to us any longer or something was happening in the lives of our birth parents at the time of our birth that helped them make the decision to place us for adoption.  

There's a reason! Keep that in mind as you begin your own personal journey to, what I call, "The Truth".  That's what you'll find, the truth!  I'm not saying your parents don't love you.  What I'm saying is that you should be emotionally ready for anything and everything that could and will possibly happen.



When I got the phone call saying that my birth mother had been located and said she had asked my mother if it was okay for the agent to give me her telephone number, the agent asked me, "Have you thought this through?", "Have you seen a Counselor or Licensed Therapist about this?", and "Have you thought this through in case there are negative emotions to face between the two of you?"  All I could say to her was, "No, I haven't done any of that but I've prayed about it and I'm fine. I just want to hear her voice!"  She said, "Okay...(hesitantly)", and said, "I'll give her your number but I should tell you, NO ONE is ever truly ready for the emotional roller coaster that they're about to face while embarking on their journey to the truth".  



Now, after all of these years, I can honestly tell you that I was not ready for what I was about to face.  However, the feeling of 'not knowing' who I was or where I came from that haunted me for so many years is finally gone. So many unanswered questions in the back of my mind and so many holes left in my heart without answers were finally getting answers with time. Still, there was always something missing during the first few phone calls and visits. That hole that had grown deep in my heart wasn't being filled the way I thought it would.


Remember, I found my families in 2003. Back then, things were very different.  I didn't have a computer in my home at that time and didn't know much about using them.  All I had was a telephone and a local telephone book.  I was going into this blind.  My search started in a direction that had, not only me but, everyone I called confused and blown away with my information and questions!   

Everyone has a different way of doing things.  I know how this worked for me and I want to share this information to help others with their searches.  The most important thing I can tell anyone in their search is to please, seek counseling throughout the entire process. 

Before and after finding your parents, you will need a counselor.  You'll need someone to pour your heart out to who is non-judgmental, someone who isn't biased to either side of your birth families or your adopted family.  Things get difficult for all sides but the search is eventually worth it

All of this depends on the amount of information that you have on your adoption, your birth parents, where you were adopted, etc... I had absolutely NO information.  My adopted parents were not cooperative in my search so I went into my search alone and with nothing to go with. I started with what I had been told over the years and had remembered so that when I was ready to do this, I would have the information I needed to start from somewhere.  However, the more information you have, the easier this will be for you.  If you have no information, like me, this step by step guide is the best way to go about finding your birth parents. (My opinion only!)**

Me, at my first birthday celebration, at age 4 yrs. old with my new adopted family.

THE FIRST THING I TRIED...because I didn't have a computer!

 (This isn't part of the Step by Step Guide. This is simply a part of my own journey due to the fact that I didn't have a computer back in 2002-03.  I was in a horribly abusive relationship which kept me away from the outside world, any friends or family.  I was isolated and alone except for his existence.  I was miserable.  All I had was a telephone with no long distance calling but... I changed that!! I changed A LOT of things!!!)

          Over the years, I had heard my adopted parents talk about the fact that I was living in/out of several foster homes in Jonesboro, GA.  At the time, when I was a baby, Jonesboro, Ga. was a small town.  Therefore, I decided to call the local businesses in Jonesboro, Ga.  I called as many Churches I could find numbers for.  The craziest thing I could do was to ask their Pastor, "Do you know of any of you members who have had loved ones in their families that have given up a child for adoption in the early 70's?"  Some laughed at me, some were very attentive and helpful, and some thought I was clearly insane and offered prayers.  I needed them.  However!  I made the perfect phone call one afternoon.  It was my last Church phone number I had on my list.  I called and got another number for the Pastor who used to be there back in the 70's who just so happened to be a foster parent.  He was now a member of the Church, just not the Pastor.  I certainly wanted his number just in case he knew of someone who fostered children that may have known my parents or even me.

          When I called, his wife answered the phone.  I told her a little about my story.  She said "Hang on a minute, honey.  I need you to talk to my husband."  Turns out, the reason he quit preaching was due to his ex wife leaving him and remarrying the sweet lady that answered the phone.  However, she knew about the days when he and his ex wife had fostered children and wanted me to speak with him.  Smart lady, she was!  When I told him my story he went silent for several moments...then, I heard him crying.  I started apologizing and felt terrible for bringing up his past that obviously meant a lot to him.  He said, "No, Paige, I remember you. You stayed in my home for about a year when you were small. You had a rough time when you were a little one.  I'll never forget you.  You looked like a little Indian girl with your long hair and dark skin, little turned up nose, big brown eyes...you stole my heart immediately! Your mother came here from Louisiana!"  I was in SHOCK!! He knew me!!!! I was in tears at this point as well!  I had hit the jackpot!  He told me how sorry he was that he had to let me go.  He told me of his wife's leaving him, how he had 2 older boys that were not very trustworthy, and that he felt he was doing best by me by sending me back to the Orphanage.  I immediately caught that word..."Orphanage?!?!?!!"  I was shocked to hear that but asked him where the Orphanage was located.  He said it was the "Atlanta Orphanage".  I just sat silent for several moments trying to wrap my head around this fact.

"I had a sudden glimpse of my past, something that I hadn't realized was even a part of my life. I saw myself in a small crib, lined against a wall with many more cribs, babies crying, children laughing, children arguing, such chaos around me.  Then, she was there, the woman who would forever change my life, looking down at me, smiling. I lifted my arms to her in a child's way of asking her to pick me up.  She held me for the first time and for the first time, I felt safe."  Excerpt from "Journey to the Truth", by me, Paige Elizabeth Collins.

          He finally told me that I had been sexually molested by one of his boys, again he broke down, and apologized to me repetitively.  I was immediately forgiving of him, it wasn't his fault!  I told him that.  He and I had a long conversation and ended on a good note and with the promise of me calling him again if I were to find my birth families and let him know.  He and his wife were so good and understanding!  But how lucky could one girl be to have found someone who knew me?!  Wow!!  Even kept me in their home?! I was that much more excited and ready to hit the pavement.  I wanted, even more, to find out what I had been through and where I had come from.

          This was just the beginning for me.  I will continue my story and the "Step by Step Guide" for adopted children/adults that you can follow in order to find your birth parents. Each step is just as important as the first, second, or last.... I will be posting more and more!!

Secrets and Pain in Finding Your Birth Families

"The Story of My Life" begins almost 40 years ago and, basically, it's all about me. So, here I am... this is me. Well, this is me NOW. This hasn't always been the way I've looked on the outside or the facial expressions I've carried throughout my life. I've had many outward and inward changes over the course of many years just like most of us have. But, while reading this, you'll see that the roller coasters in my lifetime have made me who I am today, inside and out, and have sent me into a whirlwind of emotional changes and physical changes time after time, over and over, throughout my life. So many people often ask me many questions about my life. I guess you could say it has been interesting to say the least. You can judge that for yourself. In this "book", "blog", whatever you wish to call it, people will finally get the answers to all those questions they've asked me for so many years. Finally, I've come to a point in my life to where I can stop, relax, and reflect. I can now look back and finally answer those questions that I've never been able to answer with honesty with not only everyone else, but with myself as well. Time certainly has a way of changing people, but God being first and foremost in my life has been the most eye-opening, most merciful, most glorious experience that has ever taken place in my life and has made a way for me to finally become the person I was meant to be. I can now see whom God created when He created this child named "(Angela) Paige Elizabeth Coker (Grappe) Collins".

I'm sure the first thing you're wondering about is the long name I just put at the end of the last sentence. Of course, that's a long story! But, to make a long story short for now, I'll break it down and help you to better understand where this story is going and why I'm writing this to begin with.

The first name: "Angela". This was the name I was given at birth by my biological mother who gave me up for adoption at birth. It wasn't until 2003 that I received this information after finding my birth mother and receiving my adoption records from the State of Georgia. This information from the State of Georgia provided me with my birth name: "Angela Paige"... no last name.

Second name: "Paige". This name was kept by the adoption agency which was my middle name at the time of my birth. My adopted parents also kept this name and added the next name in the above sentence.

Third name: "Elizabeth". My middle name at the time I was adopted. This, however, was not my middle name at the time of my birth. This name was given to me by the State of Georgia and was decided on by my adopted parents for legal purposes in 1976. In the State of Georgia, in the early 1970's, the State Laws allowed for childrens' names and birthdates to be changed in order to keep Court Rendered "unfit parents" from finding their children in an attempt to re-connect or possibly kidnap their birth children. Therefore, my name was changed from "Angela Paige" to "Paige Elizabeth".

Fourth name: "Coker". This was the last name of my Adopted Family. My parents that adopted me, at the time, were Harold & Dianne Coker. Therefore, my name was then changed to "Paige Elizabeth Coker".

Fifth name: "Grappe":  In 2003, after receiving my birth records from the Georgia Adoption Reunion Registry and speaking with my birth mother for the first time, I was given so much information at once about my 'father' that I still wasn't sure I knew who I was.  After having a few long talks with my birth mother, I found out that my original birth certificate filed with the Sealed Records of the State of Ga. had my last name listed as 'Duraso'. However, this wasn't who my biological father was. This was the man she was married to at the time.  She told me the story of her and my real father's love affair and how I came to be, then told me his name and my true identity..."Angela Paige Grappe", at the time I was born.  My father's real identity had been kept from her husband at the time and my existence was kept from my real father for many years.  However, through mutual friends, over time, he did hear about me and knew that I did exist somewhere in the world.

So.  This is how I became...me!  I haven't ever been really sure of who I was, where I came from, or why I never was quite like anyone else in my 'family'.  After many, many years of searching and aching for the truth, I finally found it.  This is who I am now, who I've always been, always will be and no one will ever understand me unless they've walked a mile in my shoes. I'm not like anyone else in my adopted families nor am I like anyone else in my biological families.  I'm a combination of the two.  It's a strange and twisted road I've been on but what a ride!  This is my story and I'm happy to tell it to you.

My journey to finding my biological family was more than what I expected.  That's why I'm writing this.  I want to share my story in hopes that I may somehow help someone else who may be trying to make the decision of whether to find their biological families or not, help someone who doesn't know them and possibly never will, or help someone who may have found them and is heartbroken over the information they've received.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, is ever mentally or emotionally ready for this journey they're about to embark on.

You may have adopted a child and be questioning whether or not you should tell your child that he/she is adopted... trust me, I have an opinion as well as others who, like me, were adopted that I have come into contact with over the years who share the same opinion as mine.  It's not an easy choice for parents.  I've seen both sides of this coin. 

Also... I thank GOD that there are wonderful, loving, kind, and caring people in this world who are looking to adopt.  I honestly believe that God chooses those whom He believes will love another person's child unconditionally, as their own, as much as they would their own, and knows that His love will shine through them, as parents, and those parents will give children a chance at life that they otherwise never would have had.  God has a special place in Heaven for adopted parents. Thank you!

No, I do not know the pain of not being able to bear my own child.  I have given birth to 3.  However, I do have several friends who have suffered from this and who have now successfully adopted a child/or children and are extremely happy.   However, they have also come to me before-hand and asked me my opinion and have even had me talk to their kids later on in life about being adopted and how it makes them feel.  It's my way of giving back, I guess.  I tell you that to say this... PLEASE, be absolutely, 100% positive that adoption is RIGHT FOR YOU.  The children being adopted have already come from circumstances that aren't so great to begin with.  They need stability.  They need unconditional love and understanding, patience and kindness.  They need you to be a parent long-term.  Always.  Not for a few months... Not for a few years... For a lifetime. 

After you read my story, you'll understand why I say this.  I'm not trying to tell anyone, by no means, how to live their life or what to do.  I have no right.  However, I am the product of adoption, a broken adopted-marriage, abuse (physical, sexual, mental, verbal, & emotional), and disowned simply because I wasn't like them (my adopted family).  I didn't have their genetic makeup, their mental or physical genes, their way of thinking, their blood...I was destined to be different from the time I was born.  Are you ready to raise a child that's going to be different than you?  I hope so.  Because this child isn't a product of yourself or your partner.  They're a product of a whole different blood makeup and a whole different situation, lifestyle, and generation of people that you've never met. 

If you're one of God's chosen ones, then you are certainly blessed and you'll have no problem being the loving mother/father to someone else's child.  Just like a stepfather or stepmother...it takes someone special and someone strong-willed, strong-minded, and big-hearted to take on someone else's child and love them as their very own...to treat them no different than their own, and to love them no less and no more than their own.  It's not easy but it can be done.  I am a living example of that.  I love my stepson like my own son.  There's times that I honestly forget that he's not "mine" to make decisions about or when someone asks "Ahhh, is this your son?", my answer is naturally "Yes! Yes, he is!"  That gets people really confused! :)

Here goes!  If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post them and I'll do my best to respond in a timely manner as I'm not on Blogger daily.  However, I do intend to do better. All my love to all of those adoptees out there! God has someone for you soon! <3 Paige <3